


Sorry, Were You Sleeping?

by InesStarkDowney



Series: It's a Start [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tony Stark Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 07:39:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10589466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InesStarkDowney/pseuds/InesStarkDowney
Summary: There had been nightmares about Afghanistan, about New York, about Ultron and now about red and blue and this agonizing pain in Tony's chest, the thought that there could not have been any pain at all if he just cut hi-It didn't matter.Not when Tony was at Steve's bedroom door, desperate for the safety Steve used to provide. But now... now Tony wasn't so sure.It had been Steve in his nightmares.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy!

"Sorry, were you sleeping?"

Tony asked as he knocked on Steve’s bedroom door, doing his best to steady his voice, his hands and his heart. He just hoped Steve couldn’t see the sweat that dripped down his body in the dim light of the room. God, he just hoped Steve couldn’t see anything about him. Tony couldn’t let anything show, not with Steve.

Steve opened his eyes and looked at Tony by the door, sitting up on the bed right away and taking the drawing pads and pencils out of the way. He looked at the soft lines on the paper, recognizing Tony’s eyes instantly, and he quickly closed it, a dark blush crawling over his neck.

"Ah, no, no… I was… drawing just a little. Just to relax a little bit before falling asleep."

Steve lied through his teeth, and inside something burnt with the thought of lying to Tony. He lied too much… He lied when he shouldn’t. But this lie was harmless in comparison to the other…

What was the harm in not wanting Tony to know that Steve was growing more tired as the days passed and that the serum no longer helped? If he told Tony, he would overthink it like he always did. Tony would probably think that the serum was running off, that Steve was going to return to the skinny boy with too much sickness in his body. The last thing he wanted to see was Tony worried.

But looking at him then, in his doorstep, Steve was the one worried.

He noticed the tremors, the sweat and the sickening colour of Tony’s skin. The olive tanned skin looked yellowish, and the dark eye bags under his clear brown eyes seemed bigger.

"Is everything alright, Tony?"

"Yeah, why wouldn’t it be? I was just not sleepy and I saw your light on. Thought you could use the company and I the distraction. You can keep on drawing, if you don’t mind me watching it."

Words rolled out of Tony’s tongue and he cursed himself silently. Why did he had to turn hyper verbal in these moments? It didn’t help that his heart hurt against is rib cage and that his mind kept on replaying the images he so desperately tried to forget.

Steve watched as Tony walked closer, how his hands fidgeted, how his eyes never left Steve’s face and how much he actually trembled. Tony stood by the bed’s edge and Steve quickly pulled the sheets back. Tony swiftly lied under them, his back against the bed frame and his hands on his lap, tightly together.

Steve wanted to hold them between his own, warm up Tony, look into his eyes and tell him he was not alone. It was clear as the sky in those eyes that he was being haunted by something, and Steve wanted to be his refuge, his safe place, his little bit of heaven in the hell that always seemed to run after Tony.

"Are the nightmares back again? Is it the hole in the sky or… Afghanistan?" Tony closed his eyes and cursed himself even louder in his head. Now he couldn’t even hide it in front of Steve. He hid the nightmares for years and all it took was Steve to come and read him like that. How dare he? No, how dare Tony fall so far to let him in that easily? Not even Pepper go in that fast, and Tony was once sure she was the one he wanted to hold him in the middle of the night when the tears came. But Steve was different… and so much more complicated. "You know you can trust me… I just want-"

Steve couldn’t help but reach out and touch Tony’s arm, but before he could even feel Tony’s skin, Tony recoiled from the touch the fastest he could and looked straight into Steve’s eyes.

Steve saw it then…: The pure fear. Tony was afraid of Steve.

Tony saw as Steve’s blue eyes grew with realization and with sadness. Tony opened his mouth to explain or try to, but nothing came out and yet he didn’t stop looking at Steve. He needed to. Because he needed to make sure the images in his head were so much different than reality. He needed to make sure the Steve in front of him was not the Steve on top of him, in full armor with his shield in hand, ready to kill him. He needed to be with Steve, because Steve always made him feel safe in the middle of the night, when the nightmares attacked even if now he was completely scared of Steve. Oh, Tony was a mess.

"I…", Steve swallowed dry and looked at his hands. Now he was the one shaking. Had he done such harm that now Tony was afraid of him?

Flashes of Siberia passed in the back of his mind, the shield hitting Tony’s red and gold suit, the helmet, the blood on Tony’s face, that **he** caused, his eyes, the silent plead, and his arms over his face, protecting himself from Steve.

Repulse pooled at the bottom of Steve’s stomach. He had been so blind… to think a war like that would not have repercussions… How much of a fool had Steve been, to think he could be Tony’s safe heaven, someone who could love him unconditionally, when Tony feared him? God… He didn’t deserve Tony. He didn’t even deserve to want Tony to love him back.

Steve left the bed and looked at Tony, still looking right into his blue eyes, begging to stay and begging to leave. Steve believed Tony would be far safer if he left.

"Uh… You can sleep here. I’ll crash on the couch or with Buck…But… sleep here. You’ll be comfortable here."

When Steve turned his back on Tony he heard him gasp out of fear. Steve closed his hands in fists and took deep breathes. He needed to hold in whatever urges he had to hold Tony and just kiss the fear away, kiss the hurt away. He couldn’t. So he picked his shield and put it somewhere Tony could see it clearly, so that he knew where it was and that Steve, being gone, would not use it and Tony would be safe.

"Goodnight, Tony." Steve closed the door softly and sighed, leaning his forehead on the door and taking deep breathes.

Months ago they had been so close to being something, Steve had been so close to kissing him, to touch Tony like he deserved and now they were so…broken. But, still, Steve figured it was best this way. Thing would have been much worse if he and Tony had given themselves to each other only to go to war later on. Perhaps the scars would have never healed and Steve would have lost Tony forever, like he lost Peggy.

Steve went directly to Bucky’s room and knocked on the door. He knew his best friend should be asleep by then and when he opened the door, Bucky was half sitting half laying down on the bed, his hair a giant mop on top of his head and his eyes sleepy.

"Stevie?"

"Sorry, Buck, but would you mind if I slept here?"

"What happened to your bed?"

"Tony is sleeping there."

"And you are not gonna take this as an opportunity to cuddle up with him?", At Bucky’s question Steve’s face fell even more and he felt the tears sprung to his eyes. How many nights before had Steve cuddled Tony, before the war, when his greatest fear was far away, in the dark space that surrounded them? They were too many, and Steve could still feel Tony’s body against his… It hurt more now. Tony didn’t have anyone to hold him, because of Steve. "Come on, man… Don’t stand there."

Steve slipped inside the bed and turned his back to Bucky, holding on tight to the pillow. He stared at the door, wishfully thinking for Tony to come in and tell him to go back to bed with him. But Steve knew it would be a while until that happened. Maybe it would never happen.

"Is Stark alright?"

 "He is now."

Steve hoped so.

Tony lied down in Steve’s bed, in the middle of his sheets like he wanted to do when Steve was gone after the war. Tony pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged the pillow with all his strength, pretending to be Steve, as he looked at the shield against the wall, right next to the chair that had some of Steve’s clothes, and his sneakers underneath. He breathed in and out, smelling Steve all around him and he fell asleep with the thought that maybe he should call Steve back to bed, but he stayed because he wasn’t ready yet. He didn’t know when he would be.


End file.
